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justa joke

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by weekendrider, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. weekendrider

    weekendrider Iron Horse cowboy Top Contributor

    5,668
    1,147
    213
    S.W. MO
    Old Fart Football

    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes
    gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
    The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie >
    score.'
    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha.
    I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, >
    tie score.'
    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field >
    goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since >
    defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and >
    accidentally shits in the bed.

    The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
     
    Gator xs2, Greyandridin and Goldenboy like this.
  2. grizld1

    grizld1 Grumpy old man Top Contributor

    Thanks, gotta remember that one! But one groaner deserves another, so here's another marital contest.

    Bud lost every wager he made with his wife. She beat him in poker. She beat him at the track. If they saw two birds on a wire and bet on which would fly first, she beat him. Finally he shares his grief with his pals at the bar: "I can't win a bet with the old lady to save my life, boys. It's getting old, I tell ya."

    "Not a problem," says the barkeep. "She's probably so used to winning she'll take any bet you offer. Bet her you can whiz higher up a wall than she can." "Brilliant!" hollers Bud. "I'll do it!"

    So the next day Bud proposes the wager: $50 to the spouse who can pee higher on the garage wall. His missus thinks a minute and says, "OK; but feet to the same mark, under the same conditions, and I go first." "Deal!" says Bud.

    So the lady makes a chalk mark on the floor, places her feet, hunkers down with her elbows on the floor, arches up and lets fly. She hits the wall about a foot up and marks it with the chalk. Bud's gloating. "Hon," he says, "you might as well pay up. I have that beat and you know it."

    "Maybe," she says. "But remember--no hands."
     
  3. inxs

    inxs xx

    2,265
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    - pissing with a hard-on, although difficult is not impossible
     
  4. pumps

    pumps XS650 Junkie

    Mixed Emotions..

    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband turned to his wife and said,

    “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time”

    She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis…”
     
    nhsteve and G_YamTech_314 like this.
  5. jayel

    jayel #9 Guru 74 TX650A

    A Winter Poem



    It's winter in Iowa

    And the gentle breezes blow

    Seventy miles an hour

    At thirty-five below.



    Oh, how I love Iowa

    When the snow's up to your butt

    You take a breath of winter

    And your nose gets frozen shut.



    Yes, the weather here is wonderful

    So I guess I'll hang around

    I could never leave Iowa

    I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!



    Have a great day...
     
    MaxPete likes this.
  6. Travis

    Travis Staff Member XS650.com Supporter

  7. retiredgentleman

    retiredgentleman XS650 Guru Top Contributor

    Hey pumps, good to see you on the forum here:thumbsup:

    Your joke is :laughing:
     
  8. OK, Guys, here ya go:

    It's hot, and a guy has to mow the lawn. He's thinking about getting dressed to go out, and turns (still stark naked) to his wife and says,"What do you think the neighbors would say if I just went out and mowed the lawn like this?"

    She looks at him and answers, "They'd say I must have married you for your money!"

    Score one for the girls......:thumbsup:

    Barb
     
    Greyandridin, Musick76 and MaxPete like this.
  9. bigpup

    bigpup XS650 Addict

    This one is for you ladies.

    What do men and hardwood floors have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of their life.
     
    Musick76 likes this.
  10. bigpup

    bigpup XS650 Addict

    Alright a dirty one for the guys.

    What do women and Harley-Davidsons have in common? They both leak a little when you get off them.
     
    MaxPete likes this.
  11. Travis

    Travis Staff Member XS650.com Supporter

    OOOOHHH!!!! :laugh: can't believe you just said that!!! :D... :bed:

    :laughing:
     
  12. yamaman

    yamaman xs650 addict

    731
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    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, "Whats that?" "A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesnt get wet." "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesnt matter as long as it fits a Camel." :smoke:
     
    Musick76 and peanut like this.
  13. yamaman

    yamaman xs650 addict

    731
    11
    16
    A wombat walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeeper told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the wombat decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the wombat and says, "How about my money," the wombat looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

    So in response the wombat turned to the definition for the wombat and it says. WOMBAT: Eats roots and leaves.
     
  14. yamaman

    yamaman xs650 addict

    731
    11
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    Bumped into this...........Good pit crew!
     

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  15. inxs

    inxs xx

    2,265
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    - If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all - the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!


    - Jill came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
     
    Musick76 and MaxPete like this.
  16. jayel

    jayel #9 Guru 74 TX650A

    A guy is driving around the back woods of Missouri and he sees a sign in
    front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings
    the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
    sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
    what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
    pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time
    at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
    spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
    eavesdropping.'

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
    jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
    so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
    undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
    got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
    dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
    cheap?'

    'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
     
    Jim, Greyandridin, KC 120 and 2 others like this.
  17. Travis

    Travis Staff Member XS650.com Supporter

  18. 650Skull

    650Skull Dinosaur Lives Top Contributor

    :laugh::laugh:
     

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    Musick76 and MaxPete like this.

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