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justa joke

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by weekendrider, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. GLJ

    GLJ If you can't laugh at youself you shouldn't laugh Top Contributor

    The mechanic was just finishing the blonde's car service when he said to the apprentice, "Just pass me the lubricant will you please, Tim?" "Oh dear," said the watching blonde. "Can't I just pay cash?"
     
    Goldenboy, MaxPete, Jim and 1 other person like this.
  2. geedubya

    geedubya geedubya Top Contributor XS650.com Supporter

    Husband Down...

    A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.



    The husband picks up a case of Fourex Gold and puts it in their trolley.



    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

    "They're on sale; only $25 for 24 cans," he replies.



    "Put them back. We can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.



    A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $50 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.

    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.



    "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

    Her husband retorts, "So does the 24 cans of Gold and it's half the price!"

    [​IMG]

    HUSBAND DOWN! HUSBAND DOWN!.... AISLE 7
     
  3. xjwmx

    xjwmx XS650 Guru Top Contributor

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    Google the phrase "your eyesight is damn near perfect".
     
  4. GLJ

    GLJ If you can't laugh at youself you shouldn't laugh Top Contributor

  5. gggGary

    gggGary Stop that! Top Contributor XS650.com Supporter

    Gets ugly round here when the snowplow banks start to melt.....
     
  6. Wingedwheel

    Wingedwheel Get a bigger hammer XS650.com Supporter

    While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

    I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head”

    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,

    "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile.

    "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    "Still in the ditch with the motorcycle, I guess."
     
  7. GLJ

    GLJ If you can't laugh at youself you shouldn't laugh Top Contributor

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
    "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
    Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
    "President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
    "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
    At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
    "Pope Francis," his boss replies.
    "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
    Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
    His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
     
    timbeck, MaxPete, Meddy and 5 others like this.
  8. GLJ

    GLJ If you can't laugh at youself you shouldn't laugh Top Contributor

  9. JCE

    JCE XS650 Member

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  10. JCE

    JCE XS650 Member

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    My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday, they must have misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
     
    MaxPete, Jim, gggGary and 1 other person like this.
  11. gggGary

    gggGary Stop that! Top Contributor XS650.com Supporter

    That's a cock cozy!
     
    MaxPete, geedubya, JCE and 1 other person like this.
  12. JCE

    JCE XS650 Member

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    How to start a fight...

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.
     
  13. JCE

    JCE XS650 Member

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  14. GLJ

    GLJ If you can't laugh at youself you shouldn't laugh Top Contributor

  15. geedubya

    geedubya geedubya Top Contributor XS650.com Supporter

  16. geedubya

    geedubya geedubya Top Contributor XS650.com Supporter

    Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.  Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"
     
    MaxPete and Jim like this.
  17. 650Skull

    650Skull Dinosaur Lives Top Contributor

  18. MrBultaco

    MrBultaco it ran before being parked Top Contributor XS650.com Supporter

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    A man died and went to Heaven.
    As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
    behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever
    been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your
    clock move."
    "Oh", said the man "Whose clock is that?"
    "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
    moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
    "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
    St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
    have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his
    entire life."
    "Where's Nancy Pelosi's clock?" asked the man.
    St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."
     
  19. 650Skull

    650Skull Dinosaur Lives Top Contributor

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