New joke thread...

Two guys settting at opposite ends of the bar having a cold beer. All of a sudden one guy stands up with his beer hoisted skyward and yells out loud, "all lawyers are assholes" and then sets back down. The second guy stands up and says, "I resent that remark". The first guy then says "why, are you a lawyer"? The second guy says "no sir, I'm an asshole".


jefft
 
"A maid and a whore together are much cheaper than a significant other and at any time be easily replaced with newer models ..."
 
A guy walks into a bar. There's nobody there except the bartender and a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. The man says, "I'm buying that woman a drink." The bartender says, "You don't want to do that. She's a lesbian." The man says, "I don't care, give the drink." After the woman gets the drink, she raises the glass to her benefactor. The man strolls over to her. He says, "Hi. I'm Bill Williams from Terre Haute. So how are things in Beirut?"
 
A fairy tale, kinda brings a tear to your eye....

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and
fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age
and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and
never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his
house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous
farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and
family thought he was frikin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the
bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.
 
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ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.



The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.



Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."



The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.



The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.



Regards,

John Cleese ,

British writer, actor and tall person



And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
 
A horse walks into a bar...The bartender says "Why the long face?".

A cat walks into a saloon. The bartender says to the cat "we don't serve cats, you have to leave." The cat refuses. The bartender pulls a gun and shoots, hitting the cat in the foot. The cat leaves, going to lick his wound.
Two weeks later the cat returns to the saloon, heavily armed. The bartender is out back taking a delivery, the cat doesn't see him.
Nervous people in the saloon tremble and ask the cat what is up.
The cat replies "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.".

Two nuns walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
 
A guy is sitting eating breakfast one morning when he gets a text from his neighbor....."ole buddy I hate to admit this but I've been tapping your wife pretty regularly". The guy loses it, gets up from the table walks into the living room and shoots his wife in a fit of rage. He then walks back into the kitchen and sees he has another text from his neighbor...."sorry, i really have to start using this spellcheck thingy more , I meant to say WIFI".
 
Haha, autocorrect will be the end of us all. Another of my favs:

Acid.jpg


Daughter pranked mom by changing her autocorrect to say 'acid' whenever she typed 'dirty laundry'...
 
How about the lady (lesbian) that went in for a sex change operation. The doctor says "Oh you are talking about the adadictome?'.
 
Three guys setting in a bar talking about the most terrifying sound they ever heard.

First guy says he was in Africa hunting elephant and wounded a big bull elephant. Most terrifying sound he ever heard was that elephant charging through the bush chasing him.

Second guy says he was in Africa hunt rhino and shot at one and missed. Most terrifying sound he ever heard was that rhino ramming his horn through the side of the jeep trying to get to him.

Third guy said those story's were nothing. He says he was in this guys house in bed with his wife when the guy comes home early. As he is bailing out the window with his clothes in his hand the guy grabs him by the cookies with one hand. The most terrifying sound he ever heard was the husband trying to open his pocket knife with his teeth.

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Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales...

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'

Ben from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'

Old Bert, the cowboy from South Dakota remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
 
Last year’s National Poetry Contest came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu”.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin’ we went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
 
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

“Well,” the Redneck replied, “they’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don’t you look ‘em over and pick the one you want?”

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a wee bit – not that you can hardly notice – pigeon-toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a wee bit – not that you can hardly tell – crosseyed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry.”

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck, “she was just a wee bit – not that you could hardly tell – pregnant when you met her.”
 
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