New joke thread...

[peanut]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.





We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.



I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".



"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.



"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."



She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".



"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"



She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.



She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.




Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"




So I told her to fuck off.



=

 

[fredintoon]

Hi Peanut,
"Those who confuse a woman's looks with her capacity for passion are condemned to being married to a shrill nagging frigid supermodel."

 

[peanut]

Hi Peanut,
"Those who confuse a woman's looks with her capacity for passion are condemned to being married to a shrill nagging frigid supermodel."

thank god I didn't end up with a supermodel Fred

 

[Exploding Coffin Emporium]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[Exploding Coffin Emporium]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

 

[resto]

So after a good long life, Bob finally died.
When he got up to heaven he saw St. Peter checking in a long line of men under a sign that read Hen Pecked Husbands.
But Bob went over and stood and waited under the sign that read Others. Everybody else just looked at him.
Finally St. Peter finished checking in the recently deceased and went over to Bob standing under the Others sign.
"What are you doing standing over here?" asked St. Peter in disbelief.
"My wife told me to." came the reply.

 

[danno]

An Irish man walks out of a bar. Hey, it could happen...

 

[resto]

 

[TimeMachine]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus ? It was intense !

 

[TwoManyXS1Bs]

 

[MaxPete]

Lately I've been collecting "Yoda wisdom & humour". Here is one of the best.

 

[xjwmx]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus ? It was intense !

 

[kshansen]

Then there was the Mexican Fireman... His wife had identical twins. They named first boy Jose' and the second Hose B!

 

[kshansen]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story that explains your situation.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle.
So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?"

Dumbfounded the old man replied "No. Tell me!"

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor replied, "That's kind of what I'm getting at..."

 

[kshansen]

So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.

I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and brushed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me

)

Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

 

[xjwmx]

Be very careful...
Boulders block Boulder Canyon road near Boulder, Colorado, Boulder County Sheriff's Office says

https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/boulde...oulder-county-sheriff-s-office-says-1.5407064

 

[gggGary]

So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.

I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and brushed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me

)

Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

 

[xjwmx]

May 2020: Facebook bans anyone who says virus escaped from Wuhan lab.
May 2021: Facebook bans anyone who says virus didn't escape from Wuhan lab.

 

[xjwmx]

Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.

 

[kshansen]

A couple from another forum that I thought might fit here as well: