Why can't I coach my son?

I posted the following on my facebook profile around lunchtime yesterday and got a lot of good responses and advice. I'm going to paste it here hoping to also get some valuable feedback.

Thanks in advance,
Tony

I DON'T POST MUCH ON HERE, BUT I WANTED TO SHARE THIS. I WOULD LOVE FOR EVERYONE TO TAKE A MIN TO READ THIS AND GIVE ME THERE THOUGHTS. I WAS CALLED EARLIER IN THE WEEK AND ASKED TO COACH MY SONS T-BALL TEAM. I ACCEPTED OF COURSE. IT HAS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE TO COACH MY SON IN BASEBALL LIKE MY DAD COACHED ME SINCE MY EX AND I FOUND OUT WE WERE HAVING A BOY! THE COMISSIONER CALLED ME BACK THURSDAY NIGHT REGRETFULLY INFORMING ME THAT HIS MOTHER ASKED FOR ME NOT TO COACH HIM. I WAS VERY SURPRISED BY THIS BECAUSE JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO I WAS ASKED TO COACH HIS SOCCER TEAM, SHE WAS THE TEAM MOM, AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE. I TOLD HIM I WAS GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS AND CALL HIM BACK. I CALLED MY EX AND SHE ASSURED ME THAT SHE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT AND DIDN'T HAVE AN ISSUE WITH IT. I CALLED THE COMMISIONER BACK AND TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE AN ISSUE WITH IT. HE THEN TOLD ME "TONY, SHE CALLED ME PERSONALLY". I WASN'T QUITE SURE WHAT TO SAY. HE SAID HE WOULD CALL HER AND ASK HER ABOUT IT AGAIN AND WE GOT OFF THE PHONE. I CALLED HER RIGHT BACK AND TOLD HER WHAT I HAD LEARNED. SHE VERY BLUNTLY TOLD ME AGAIN SHE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE COMMISIONER WAS. I GOT A CALL LAST NIGHT FROM THE COMISSIONER AGAIN SAYING HE WAS SO SORRY, BUT SHE WAS STILL SAYING THAT SHE DID NOT WANT ME INVOLVED WITH HIS TEAM. HE ASKED IF I WOULD STILL COACH A TEAM AND I TOLD HIM I COULDN'T WITHOUT MY SON. HE UNDERSTOOD AND WE ENDED OUR CALL. I CALLED MY EX BACK AND SHE DIDN'T ANSWERE SO I LEFT A MESSAGE FOR HER TO CALL ME. IN THE MEAN TIME I SPOKE WITH SEVERAL FRIENDS AND EVERYONE WAS IN AGGREEMENT THAT THIS WAS RIDICULOUS. SHE FINALLY CCALLED ME BACK AND I ASKED HER WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS GOING ON AND WHAT WAS THE ISSUE? AFTER A LONG PAUSE SHE REPLIED THAT MY TIME WITH OUR SON WAS MINE, BUT I WAS NOT GOING TO BE RUNNING EVERYTHING! SHE SAID ITS JUST ALL TO CONVENIENT THAT WE SIGN HIM UP TO PLAY BALL AND YOU TURN UP AS THE COACH. I REPLIED THAT YES, IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE TO COACH OUR SON. NOBODY KNOWS THAT BETTER THAN YOU, BUT THEY ASKED ME, I DIDN'T ASK THEM. I BEGGED HER TO RECONSIDER. THAT OUR SON AND I WERE BOTH REALLY EXCITED AND IN NO WAY WAS HER DOING THIS IN HIS BEST INTEREST. SHE DID NOT ARGUE THIS, INSTEAD PUT OUR MISTAKES OF THE PAST BACK ON ME. I REMINDED HER THAT WE BOTH MADE MISTAKES AND I REGRETTED EVERY DAY HOW THINGS TRANSPIRED BETWEEN US, BUT ALL WE COULD DO IS BE THE BEST PARENTS POSSIBLE FOR OUR LITTLE BOY. SHE DIDN'T RESPOND, SO I ASKED HER AGAIN TO RECONSIDER AND SHE SAID SHE WOULDNT. I REMINDED HER THAT I AM A GOOD FATHER AND I WAS GOING TO ALWAYS BE A PART OF OUR SONS LIFE. SHE SAID I NEVER SAID YOU WEREN'T A GOOD FATHER. I ASKED HER HOW I WAS SUPPOSE TO TELL OUR LITTLE BOY THAT I WASN'T GOING TO COACH HIM NOW AFTER HIM AND I WERE BOTH SO EXCITED ABOUT IT. HER RESPONSE WAS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HIM. WTF? WHY WOULDN'T I CELEBRATE WITH MY SON ABOUT SOMETHING WE CAN DO TOGETHER. IN CLOSING, I AM ASKING EVERYONE FOR THERE INPUT ON THIS

- the caps spin my eyes, so ,no read...too close to shouting

I wrote it in caps yesterday not to portray shouting, but to show utter shock.

While I feel for you and do not understand your wifes reaction I do know that in this situation it is all about your son. Your wife may have forgotten that but since you asked for input, it's on you to remember. I hope you and your Ex can work it out behind closed doors but infront of your son please don't put it on his Mom.

Good luck to you and I hope your wife puts herselfishness aside for your sons sake.

Paw, I feel for you,man.Unfortunately, she is being a BEE-OTCH, and the best thing, that I would do, is to let it go the best you can, and enjoy watching him play. There is nothing that say's you can't still teach him the finer point's of the game during your visits with him. One thing I know for sure is that your son will NOT hold this against you for long, if at all.So, you can still coach another team, hmm, that's a hard one. I think I would rather cheer for him than coach against him. For me, I would enjoy what time I could with him. So, maybe in the future you will be able to be the coach of his team, but in the meantime, enjoy what you got, she could change her mind & go totally the other way & not let him play at all. Just trying to talk about the possibility's. Also, a few jabe's at her would not be right. Hard, I know, but you are better than that,right?

Hi Guys,

I feel strongly about this. I raised step-kids as well as my own son. I've seen parents use kids as leverage, or take their own hurt out on the other parent through the child. That's what this sound like.

My suggestion? Be at every one of your son's practices and games. Volunteer to take his team out for consolation ice cream or victory sodas. If you see your Ex in the bleachers, smile, wave (don't flip her off no matter how much you want to) and sit somewhere far away from her. Talk with whoever the coach is, and offer to be an assistant.

I can see your Ex's point of view; she feels threatened, and is trying to build walls, but that's not only unjust, it is illegal. Have your lawyer review your divorce agreement and parenting plan, and see if you really need her permission to coach your son's team. If it turns out that you do not need her OK, then set it up well in advance to coach next season, and if she says no, then quietly and with dignity have your attorney send her a very specific letter, outlining the legal action you will take for denial of parental rights. And if she doesn't budge, take her to court, well planned and with all your ducks in a row.

I'm really sorry that she put your son in the middle of this, but remember that SHE is the one who did that. It's common for one parent to try to use the child as leverage, and the other has to be reasonable, but does not have to just roll over. That's what parenting plans and attorney's are for.

Best of luck, and be assured that your son will know--will feel--the difference in the attitude of his parents. Don't give up!

Well I read that (please edit it & put in paragraph breaks) waiting for the punch line..................Sadly still waiting!

One thing you've confirmed for me, dragons are dragons the world over.
Or women, they're either fucking you, or they're fucking with you!

Seems pretty pathetic of her, scared of you looking like superdad & her looking like the old dragon!

I'm a step-son & a step-father, and if my father, or my step-boys father had shown as much interest as you have in your son, the world would be that slight shade a better place!

Millions of single mums out there would dream of a father for their children who could be bothered even sending them a birthday card, or seeing them once a year, let alone have the level of input you obviously do, or want to have!

Keep heart & remember it's all about the boy, always do what's in his best interest, and ALWAYS keep it honest. Whenever you do or say anything negative (even though the bitch deserves it), it adds to the bad feeling, and regardless of intentions, your son will end up wearing some of it! Plus little people are the best bullshit detectors on the market! So let him make up his own mind.

I wish you luck brother, you'll need all your composure to survive the next few years, & if you can maintain your dignity & your relationship with your son, no one (except you of course) will remember 2010 as the year dad didn't coach me.......Maybe as the year dad caught me a foul at the big game, or the big fish, or whatever it is that you guys DO end up doing. Enjoy

She's a control freak. And you are "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". If you are not involved enough, you're not being a good father and you're going to hear about it, and you better bet it will be highly exaggerated if you ever end up in the court room with her again. On the other hand, if you get too involved, she doesn't like that either because it looks like you are doing more than she is and that makes her look bad (in her mind). I'm guessing she doesn't like the fact that this allows you to spend more time with the boy than she does (even though she likely has him in her home more often than you do). When she was team mother, you both were getting equal time. Now that you're coach and she just gets to sit on the sidelines, she's upset because you've "got more" than she does.

I don't think she can prevent you from coaching the team. Ask the commissioner what the written policies are for choosing coaches. They've got to have an executive board. Appeal to them at a board meeting. Explain that she provided no legitimate reason other than she doesn't want you "running the show". If nothing else, be an assistant coach on the boy's team.

I'm back in court with my son's mother just about every year (so she can get a bigger piece of my paycheck). She has primary physical custody and he is in her home 22 out of 30 days each month. But she's always complaining to the judge about how she doesn't get to spend enough time with the boy, and tries to use this argument to whittle back my summer visitation, etc. Hasn't worked for her yet. I've been lucky to get judges who are fairly realistic and can see through the crap.

Your ex is insecure. She knows this is something you want and this is how she can take it from you. Makes her feel powerful and in control. They're (practically) all the same. She won't know what to do with herself when the boy turns 18 and she can't use him as a pawn anymore. She will have to find another way to validate herself. I feel for you. She's the one who will look like a fool when the boy is old enough to know better. She's not just denying you, she's denying the boy. For most of them (vindictive ex's), they don't give a rat's as long as they can control you and deny you of something you want.

One more thing, this site is one thing but I would pull down any posting on Facebook ect. No good can come of that.

THIS IS JUST ONE REASON I AM PRESIDENT OF THE WOMAN HATERS SOCIETY,just kidding really screw her what a bitch it should be up to your son!!!!!!!!!!! he"s the one getting hurt,now you know why ur divorced from the bitch.I really have nothing else to say other that I'm sorry for you man!!!!!!!! there's a lot of screwed up,selfish people in this world and u just happened to marry one for awhile.WRITTEN BELOW is for barb our sole woman member.

BARB I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE WOMANS HATER SOCIETY THING,AND WANTED TO ADD THAT MEN CAN BE EQUALLY AS MUCH OF SHIT HEADS AS THIS WOMAN IS BEING.

Hi Guys,

Y'know, I see hear both sides from friends; no matter whether male or female, it seems like one person in a disintegrating marriage has no scruples and will use a child or children as leverage to hurt the other person.

It's disgusting, and sadly, it's a fact of life.

My only suggestion at this point is to keep suggestions positive, since just being angry doesn't win. Thinking, planning, knowing your rights, and kicking for a really good attorney will win, and needn't hurt a child in the process.

Mom can't prevent a father from being involved with his son's sports. Period. But--and it's a big one--she can yank the child out of the sport involved if Dad chooses to go ahead and coach. Not fair to the child (or the responsible father), but it happens.

Each State has it's own rules and laws and regulations concerning parenting plans and denial of parental rights. A good lawyer can get maximum usage of those rules, and hopefully benefit the responsible parent--in this case, the father.

And yes, pull it off Facebook. Anything negative that her lawyer can use should be avoided....at least until things are settled.

(Damn! Am I really the only woman here? No wonder it echoes sometimes.....)

Seriously: Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. Get her in court, and if you lose, plan another tactic and get her into court again. Be careful to not call her what you'd like to in front of your son--he'll naturally defend the parent being bad-mouthed, so let your Ex do the bad-mouthing, and your son will defend you. Oh, and did I mention lawyers? Very important.

Best of luck!

xstwin said:

.... WRITTEN BELOW is for barb our sole woman member.

BARB I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE WOMANS HATER SOCIETY THING,AND WANTED TO ADD THAT MEN CAN BE EQUALLY AS MUCH OF SHIT HEADS AS THIS WOMAN IS BEING.

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I'm a huge lurker here, and have been lurking long enough to know that Barb isn't the sole female member here. There are at least 3 others that I know about. I think they'll understand where you're coming from though.

Tony, Sorry about all the problems this woman is giving you. Like others have said, she is selfish and try to keep your son out of the drama.

suthpaw22,

To know what is the right or wrong thing to do is the hardest thing in the world as your emotions cloud sensibility when it comes to Children and the helplessness of not being able to do all of the things that you would normally be able to in a stable 2 parent relation ship. Posting on face book is counter productive for 2 reasons,

1, if you x sees it she will feel threatened and isolated and see you as trying to put her down when in her eyes she is trying to hold onto her sense of reality and conflicting emotions as well.

2, Posting on face book also would look bad if you have to go to court, as a lawyer could also use that as a negative for you, implying you are portraying her in a negative aspect and a bad mother, any Judge will frown on this.

First and foremost it is the children you have to think off and you have to put your emotions aside for the betterment of your children.

No 2 situations are the same and to take sides is plain wrong, As i do not know either one of you it would be wrong to judge you in the right and her in the wrong because of something you wrote. That being said you have to stand up for your children and their right to be able to have you in their lives, and do the normal things that you would normally do, and being there when they need you most for advice, protection and for them to know that no matter what that you Love them and will be there

There are no winners in these situations only losers, but with the right focus the out comes can be rewarding and fulfilling.

You are going to struggle with this for the rest of your life and the doubts at times are going to affect you and will at some stage lead you through depression, you need to have a good support base and not surround yourself with yes men. Having people that will also challenge and support you to be a better person and trying to keep as much of the emotion out of the really important decisions, as an emotional response will more often be clouded in your own fears, and that is when most mistakes are made. Yes you will make mistakes and there is nothing wrong with that as well, you just need to admit them to yourself and your children if need be as they need to see the real you faults and all.

The suicide rate amongst separated men with children, Weekend fathers, climbs dramatically, these are facts and should not be dismissed, you emotions are going to take you on the biggest roller coaster ride there is. The highs when you have your children will be felt more keenly and you will be aware of every precious moment you spend with them, and when you are alone again the lows will take you to the darkest place in your mind. There are men support groups for weekend fathers so maybe you should look at the options they may provide and any positives, also they should be removed from the personal aspect of taking sides which is what you will need at times.

I hope this helps you, i have been through this and i didn't get the help that i should have and that is my fault. I have 2 beautiful children, adults now, whom have struggled through their parents mistakes. It has taken them both to places that i would wish on nobody yet they have turned out good people.

All Children want to do is laugh and be happy and as a parent that is your job to make that happen.

Good Parenting and keep positive.

Skull

xstwin said:

THIS IS JUST ONE REASON I AM PRESIDENT OF THE WOMAN HATERS SOCIETY,just kidding really screw her what a bitch it should be up to your son!!!!!!!!!!! he"s the one getting hurt,now you know why ur divorced from the bitch.I really have nothing else to say other that I'm sorry for you man!!!!!!!! there's a lot of screwed up,selfish people in this world and u just happened to marry one for awhile.WRITTEN BELOW is for barb our sole woman member.

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suthpaw22,
You need to stay away from people who will feed your negative impulses and comments like the one above that take away any objectiveness you will need to deal with the traumas when dealing with a difficult ex. Angry/negative and attacking statements like these can get into your head and if left to fester can take people down the path of statements like "if i can't have the children then nobody will have them". This is a reality and you must keep a focus on the positive and your childrens lives

Sorry xstwin but you are plain wrong. It takes 2 people so who to blame is not really ours to guess

I haven't seen this aspect noted yet, but I'm curious why the commissioner felt comfortable enough to get involved at all, let alone to take the side of your ex? If there aren't specific guidelines in the little league that your son is in, then I don't see why he blocked your rights, as it was HIS decision based only on your (vile) ex's request.
I know that this is late, as this post is old, but I thought this was worth the post.
Best of luck on the rest of your life with this element, sincerely.