Retirement

[rude]

Not me but a good yarn, made me laugh

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

 

[hamamatsu]

Irish Maths Test
>
> An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman
> wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test. Here is your first
> question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number
> 9..' 'Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy,' and proceeded to
> draw three trees.
>
> 'What's this?' the boss asked.
> 'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine,' said the
> Irishman.
>
> 'Fair enough,' said the boss.
> 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number
> is 99.' The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the
> picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go'
>
> The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to
> represent 99?'
>
> 'Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
> dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
>
> The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
> Irishman, so he said, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but
> represent the number 100.' The Irishman stared into space some more, then he
> picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree
> and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
>
>
> The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that
> represents a hundred!'
>
> The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each
> tree and said, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.
> So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree
> and a turd, which makes one hundred.'
>
> 'So, when do I start?'


Retired Irish loafer

 

[azman857]

Both made me bellow with a good laugh!!

 

[TeeCat]

I laughed so hard that this that I had morning coffee come out my nose, and now there's cinnamon lodged in my sinuses. Damn you, rude!